I've been struggling with a really big decision lately - like a moving-across-the-world caliber decision, a picking-a-missions-agency-or-person-to-go-with type of decision, a what-in-the-world-am-I-thinking kind of decision.  And yesterday I went to church (yes, that is kind of a rare occurrence for me lately between working and traveling - I've only been in this church for Sunday morning services a couple times this whole summer) - anyway, at church, I had a revelation (as we were reading from the book of Revelation - go figure).  An epiphany, if you will.
 
God doesn't care which choice I make.  Either one will glorify Him.  And either one would satisfy my desires.  He just wants me to love Him above all else and to seek Him above all others.  As long as I return to my first love, He will bless me.  he wants what is best for me and He will bless the decisions I make.
 
And then this morning I was reading from a fantastic book "Come Away my Beloved" and came across these words: I will not let you fail.  What?  Seriously...did I just read that?  I mean, this shouldn't be that profound to me, this shouldn't be something that takes my breath away or knocks my socks off or anything like that, but that's kinda what it did today.  It literally took my breath away, made me stop and think for about a half hour - just about the fact that God is going to bring me to things, that He has planned situations and circumstances for my life, and that, through His strength, He will not let me fail.  (Seriously, I journaled a full page on just those six words, and probably could have written more).  Through whatever trials or temptation I may face, He's not going to let me fail.  Whatever hardships may come my way, He won't let me fail.  Whatever steps He has called me to take, and whatever steps I take in faith, He isn't going to leave me hanging - He's got great plans for me and won't let me fail.
 
Then I turned the page, and there was this one little word: "only."  Uh oh, a condition to this "not letting me fail" thing that I've been stuck on the last half hour.  Then I realized that it's not too bad - the reading just reminded me that I need to trust Him, that I need to be open to whatever He may have in store for me.  He's not going to do a big work in my spirit, or in my life, if I'm stuck in a place of unwillingness, a place that I'm not open to His working.  He totally wants what is best for me, wants me to succeed at everything I do, and all He asks me to do is trust that He knows best.  Trust that He has plans to prosper me and give me hope and a future.  Trust that He loves me.  Trust that He won't let me fail.  Trust that He will sustain me trough any trials I may face.  Trust that He is, He was, and He always will be.  Trust that He is God and I'm not.
 
So I prayed a little more, sat in His presence for a while, and sent a couple emails - a "yes" and a "no" - and I feel at peace.  I know that the attacks are going to come, that doubt will probably rear its ugly head, that fear of failure and fear of the unknown will probably try to attack, but I have the peace of God and I have the assurance that He loves me and He will not let me fail.
 

Today I was watching "Akeelah and the Bee" (first, don't judge - it's a great movie.  second - I'm not supposed to be doing anything since I got my wisdom teeth out Friday and didn't take it easy enough the rest of the weekend).  Anyway, back to the movie - I was watching this movie and was reminded of this fantastic quote from Marianne Williamson:

You are a child of God.

Your playing small does not serve the world.

There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.

We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.

It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone.

And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.

As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

(okay, so I added a bit of emphasis there - deal with it)

Did you get that?  She hits the nail on the head - most of us are not afraid of being inadequate, we're afraid that we are more powerful than we could imagine.  We're more scared of the light that we might put forth than the darkness we would penetrate with it.  We're scared that we might actually be brilliant instead of stupid, gorgeous not ugly, talented rather than inept, or fabulous as opposed to inferior.

And why shouldn't we be?

(I hope you can hear the excitement in my voice, here.  Seriously, people - this is big stuff!)

I'll admit that I'm afraid of myself, afraid of what God might want to do through me...but I'm not going to let that stop me anymore.  I'm asking God to show His power through me, to show me just how brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous He made me, and I'm asking Him to work in my heart to make me unafraid so that He has the freedom to do whatever He wants in my heart.

First, I had some Bible Study:

I'm going through an inductive study of Ephesians with two of my closest high-school friends.  The plan is to "get together" every week (or so) on a conference call on skype, but this week plans changed for one of the girls and I got to have Bible study over the phone with each of them at different times.  Let's just say this was extra good for my heart, because I got to talk about Jesus and blessings and power, and hear two different people's takes on the same passages at two different times.

Then there was Baby-Sitting:

I had the privilege of watching over a beautiful little princess while her daddy was at work and mommy was cashing out on a pedicure she had been given for her first Mother's Day.  Then we hung out some more during the party at their house (party included a 6-week-old, a 10-week-old, twin 7-month-old boys, four couples, and me) while she fell asleep on me.

While I was watching sweet Caylah I realized that I could simply just sit and look at her all day.  I delight in watching her smile as well make as the all-too-cute "wah" face, I take joy in watching as she begins to explore her world with her eyes and her ever-so-uncoordinated hand and leg movements, I love seeing her try to play and try to figure out how to make sounds come out of her mouth.  But me just watching her wouldn't help her very much - she trusted that I would provide things for her.  She was content to sit back and let me take care of everything she needed (with a few reminders, of course - what would baby-watching be without a little bit of crying?).

It's the same way with God - He delights in watching over us when we're happy and when we're sad, He takes joy in seeing us explore the world He's created for us, and He loves to watch us figure things out.  And He has plans to provide for all of our needs.  Let's go a little deeper with this...

Caylah trusted that, when she woke up from her nap hungry, there would be food ready for and available to her - even if it didn't come in the form she is used to or prefers, she was still fed.  And she knew that when her diaper was dirty, someone was going to clean her up - it may have been uncomfortable for a little while but she ended up feeling a lot better.  She also knew that if she cried because she wanted to be held, someone would eventually pick her up and cuddle her close - even if she had to wait on that person's timing and not her own.  And then I got to thinking: if sweet little 10-week-old Caylah has that much trust in people, human people who make mistakes and forget things and break promises; how much more should I be able to trust in a God that existed before time began, who never makes a mistake or breaks a promise.  It was a great reminder that I trust in a God that keeps His word that He will provide for me, even if it's not in the way I like it or if it makes me uncomfortable or if I have to wait on His timing.  And I should have no reason to doubt that He is going to provide for me, because in His Word He says that not only will he provide, He wants to bless me beyond my wildest imagination and dreams.

And this got me thinking about my Bible study lesson on the first part of Ephesians 1 again.  This section, in my opinion anyway, is about the amazing blessings that God wants to give us.  Listen to this section (Ephesians 1:3-6):

or hear how Eugene Peterson translated this section in the Message:

And what's more is that there's a whole list of blessings in the first part of chapter 1 to add to the couple mentioned in these verses - not only did He choose us before the creation of the world and adopt us as his sons and daughters, he also chose to make us holy and blameless, freely gives us grace, redeems and forgives us, shows us the mystery of the gospel, seals us with the Holy Spirit, and guarantees our inheritance in him.  Wow!  And all He asks us to do is trust Him, to believe that He wants to provide for us, and to claim those blessings for ourselves.

Hi, my name is Becky, and I am a planner.

Before my senior year of high school rolled around I already knew what college I was going to and what I was going to major in.  I didn't really have to think about it, and while friends were running around the end of senior year trying to figure out what they were going to do with their lives I just sat back and watched, and prepared myself for college.

The same thing happened before I graduated college.  I knew I wanted to go overseas long before this, but at the beginning of my senior year of college I applied for the World Race - and at the end of the year, while my friends were running around trying to find jobs and wondering where in the world they were going to live and how they were going to pay for it until paychecks started rolling in, I was preparing for the race - going over the packing list a million times, making daily visits (sometimes hourly) to previous racers' blogs, and planning trips to REI and other such places to find the best deals on the gear that I felt best suited me.

Even on the race I tried to plan, to be in control - and it worked a little bit because the powers that be at AIM decided I could be my team's finance person.  I didn't get to control everywhere we went or the ministry we did, but I did have my hands on one thing - the money - and that gave me a sense of security (and maybe a little bit of power, too, ha!).  I did get stripped, little-by-little, of my need to plan and/or control every aspect of life and experienced some freedom like I'd never felt before (but you can read about that in other blogs from my time on the field).

But I came home, and, sad to say, fell back in to a lot of my old habits.  I started worrying about what the next step was and how it was going to happen with the $200 I had to my name.  I thought I had everything worked out - I was going to live with a friend in Michigan and get a job at the local children's hospital...then that fell through because of the economy.  So then I was going to move to Colorado and live in community with other race alums...and that fell through too.  So the next plan was that I was going to move to Colorado and live with one of my squadmates and get a job a a certain hospital and be part of a "house church" with some other random race alums and AIM people...and guess what - pretty much everything I had planned for my life in Colorado has since fallen through or not happened in the (almost) year and a half I've been here.

Had I gotten the camp job I wanted in college I never would have been online searching for summer mission trips, and I never would have gone to Jamaica with AIM.

Had I not gone to Jamaica with AIM I wouldn't have heard the amazing testimonies from the team that went to India that summer and I probably wouldn't have ended up spending the next summer in India ministering to hundreds of orphans.

If I wasn't exposed to God's heart for orphans in India, I may not have listened to the other ways God was revealing His heart to be throughout the rest of college and I might not have been so passionate about kids.

Had I not listened to God reveal His heart to me, I probably would have never even considered something like the World Race, let alone pack up my planning self and set out for an adventure into the complete unknown for almost a year of my life.

And had I not gone on the World Race I definitely wouldn't have come to such a point of brokenness and desperation that lead to the most wonderful freedom I have ever experienced.  I wouldn't have had community all over the world that I can talk to any time of day or night.

Had I not moved out to Colorado on faith after the race, I wouldn't have gotten the amazing job I have at an almost-new, state-of-the-art hospital, and I wouldn't have met any of the great people I work with.  And I wouldn't have met the church family that I have out here, the close friends that our small group has become.

And now I'm at a crossroads again.  I feel like it's time for me to move on - this intense period of learning how to trust Him in a whole new way is about to wrap up, and I have no idea what's next.  Sure, I've made a few tentative plans (such as moving my stuff back to my parents house in Michigan, attending the World Race Awakening conference in Ireland at the end of August, and visiting a friend who's been serving in a closed Asian country for a few years...as well as a few other quick tentative side trips - remember, I have friends all over the globe), but nothing after that is set in stone.  I do know that my last day of work (as of right now) is August 18, that I have to be out of my house by August 31 (but it will be sooner), and that after I travel in September I have no idea what's next.

I'd like to be able to sit here and say I have my life all figured out.  I'd like to know exactly what I'll be doing 5, 10, 50 years from now.  But, as I've learned, only God knows what's next.  I can tell you that I've started the application process with a missions organization that goes in to areas with unreached people groups, but I don't know yet if that's where I'm called or if there's something else.  I know that the possibilities are endless, that I could go any of a hundred different places, and that God would be with me wherever I go...but I want more.  I want to be blessed in whatever I do.  I want to have His assurance that I am exactly where He wants me.  And part of me still wants to have all the details worked out before I move - but as the old children's song says, "He's still working on me..."

Yesterday I was put on call for work.  Basically, that meant I had all day to sit around and do whatever I wanted as long as I could be ready for work quickly, should they have needed to call me in.  So I got up and had these great intentions for the day: have some great quality quiet time, write blogs, have some worship time with my guitar...you know - things a "good" Christian would do.  But instead, what did I do all day?  I sat on the couch, caught up on my favorite TV shows, messed around with the music on my iPod and computer, and spent way too much time on facebook/gmail/random other things online.

Now, I know just saying that I did this stuff instead of spending time with Jesus does not make me a bad person or a bad Christian, because I'm pretty sure we all need days/periods of time for our brains to take breaks in order to keep sanity.  The problem with me is that this has become my norm on days I'm not working.  I'm addicted to the internet.  I've started living vicariously though what other people are doing and have gotten caught up in reading what people are posting online instead of doing things for myself.  Too often, I find myself wondering who's posted something on facebook or their blog, but actually calling someone up and talking to them has become a foreign concept to me.

I have all the right answers.

But somewhere between working 12-hour days and having unlimited wireless internet access at home and not having a ton of friends who live in the same state as me, I've lost sight of who I want to be.  I've forgotten what make me really feel alive - and no, it's not watching reality TV or reading fandom facebook posts.  Somehow, I've managed to forget that there is a world right outside my door that God put there for me to explore, a world full of lost and hurting and confused people, a world He wants to use me in to bring Him glory.  I've lost sight of the goal, the prize, and instead let life get in the way and confuse my journey.  I have become complacent, content to just sit back and watch life go by.

So what does make me feel alive?  Where do I find the most joy?  When do I feel closest or most connected to my Maker?  What gives me that rush, makes my heart beat 10 times faster, draws me to tears, compels me to dance before the Throne of my King, strikes me face-down in awe and wonder?

Here I am.  Send me.

gorgeous mountains - the view from the front porch at Haitian Christian Mission

the pharmacy - where I spent most of my time - after we had re-organized and de-cluttered most of it

 

cute refugee kids that were staying in the school behind the mission

Steph got her hair braided, which drew quite a crowd!

another one of the adorable girls living out back

got my hair braided too - it hurt a lot, but turned out pretty cool...

yup, that's what my hair looked like.  you know you're jealous!

Steph, Tina, & me at the lake near Fond Parisen. The water level shifted about 20 feet on this side of the lake...

this "outhouse" used to be on land.  now it's about 20-30 feet out in the lake.  crazy!

beautiful scenery on the way back to Santo Domingo

and I couldn't leave without sticking my feet in the Caribbean...it was gloriously warm!

So the moral of the story is that things definitely don't always go as planned, but God is faithful through it all.  While I didn't do any direct ministry during those couple travel days, I was able to hear some pretty good stories and meet people with big hearts for rebuilding Haiti.  I was reminded that things happen for a reason, and that God always has my best in mind.

 

Stay tuned for more stories from Haiti!  I'll be working on more blogs and getting some pictures up after working this whole weekend.  Also, if you'd like to support me, contact me as to how you can do that!  (Sorry, my WR support account isn't active, so no direct donating through the blog).